So I kinda had a false start to my "New Healthy Lifestyle". I AM committed to changing "How" I live, but I find that with my ADD (I truly have it...not just throwing the "word" out there), it ALWAYS...I repeat, ALWAYS takes me at least one or two...OK or THREE...yeah, even sometimes FOUR tries to get ANYTHING accomplished. It kinda brings to mind climbing up onto a horse when one hasn't ridden for quite a few years. You put one foot in the stirrup and one hand on the saddle horn, which actually seems a little more "yoga-like" than it used to when you were 16...and then you start to pull yourself up. You get about 3 inches off the ground. The second try, you get closer. Your head pops up and you can see right over the horses back...but...you're still not IN the saddle. Finally, the third try. You have now, mentally and physically, calculated just how much effort it's going to take to haul your older and somewhat "slightly larger" butt up off the ground and onto that fricken saddle...I mean after all...this is getting embarrassing!!! So, yes, finally...on the third and final attempt...SUCCESS!!! : ) You have gotten back in the saddle....you have gotten back on that horse! What a great feeling! Even though it took a minute or two to make it up there...it STILL feels great....once you are there...in the saddle...after years of bein' away.
So why the long, beleaguered explanation of getting up onto the horse? Well, I'm comparing it to my attempts to "accomplish" things. It usually takes me more than once to get my plans going. It's painful, embarrassing and awkward...but I eventually DO get things done(well, MOST of the time, anyway). But there's another "analogy" here that's very important: "Getting back on the horse". We, as a society, always say "If you fall off a horse, you have to get back on it". Which of course means that if you have failed at something, don't give up...but keep trying...b/c if you DON'T, then it will have "beaten you down" and THAT is BAD for your psyche!!
So what is my point? Well, I know, by talking to others, reading other blogs, reading about Americans, in general, today...I am NOT the ONLY person for whom starting a "healthy lifestyle" (again) is difficult. And it's difficult for people who have NEVER had a "healthy lifestyle" to start one, as well. So by starting this blog....I hope that I can help myself, understand what makes ME tick...and help others see that they are NOT alone...in their "determination" to start either back on...or start for the first time...a healthy lifestyle...to get back onto the "horse" of health...and STAY THERE...even if it takes you more than ONE try to get started!!! No one is perfect...forgive yourself, as I have forgiven myself, and keep moving forward!
There are TWO things that have helped me recently:
The FIRST thing that has helped me is this here blog. I'm not saying that EVERYBODY has to write a blog to help themselves get over their "food issues"...BUT...one of the reasons that "I" started this blog...was for the "journaling" experience. I've heard people talk about how they wrote in their journals and wrote down what foods they ate and how THAT helped them. So, I thought that I would give that a try. I'm actually going to be writing down my foods everyday...in a separate section....for MYSELF mostly...AND to help me ACKNOWLEDGE AND have it BE ACKNOWLEDGED by "internet land". Basically, the point is "To be held accountable". If "I" either "lie" to myself about what I have eaten...OR...don't "acknowledge" it...then WHAT I eat and how MUCH I eat...can slip by and I can "slip up" in my "goals". So this, journaling, in a blog-type manner, is a form of holding myself accountable and acknowledging...publicly...just exactly WHAT I have eaten every day. So..I haven't started doing that yet...but JUST the THOUGHT of doing that made me START being more "thoughtful" about what I put into my mouth. Because writing down what I eat and putting it in print for the world to see (not that I think the "world" is reading my blog...it's NOT...just one really good friend so far) BUT thinking about the "world" seeing WHAT and HOW MUCH I eat....well THAT will DEFINITELY make a person be more "thoughtful" about what goes into their mouth. So like I said, I already started being MORE thoughtful....even though I haven't YET started chronicling my daily food choices and it really started making me feel MORE in control and reminding me of how I USED to eat and how I USED to feel....back when I was very thin.
The SECOND thing that has really helped me is making smaller goals for myself. I want to eat healthier and exercise more and continue with that as my "lifestyle". That is one of my goals. It's a very broad goal, and it IS a good goal...but it's a little too "general". I want to lose weight. To be exact, I want to lose a total of 70lbs. I would be happy with 60lbs. I'd LIKE to lose 70lbs. So...that is a BIG goal that I am giving myself over a year to lose. I'm not trying to pressure myself...I'm not trying to take it too easy on myself...but I'm trying to do things in a healthy way. So what I decided to do was set a smaller FIRST goal. My husband and I's 15th wedding anniversary is this September 21st. I would like to lose at LEAST 15lbs. THAT gives me a very "solid" time period and weight amount AND a good motivation...BESIDES just, you know, good health! So...what I've FOUND...since deciding to chronicle my daily food intake as well as creating a new and "smaller" goal...I have found that I am truly looking at each and every choice I make about what I eat...which IS the way it should be. I am ALSO less "stressed" because instead of looking at HOW MUCH weight I want to lose...I am breaking it down into smaller "pieces" which makes it seem less overwhelming and much more attainable.
So I am very encouraged by these two techniques and I will keep the updates coming. Good luck getting back onto YOUR horse...and remember if at first you don't succeed...try, try, try and even try again! Try until you get there!
Good Luck and God Bless.
Verlene
Friday, May 13, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
How did I get started down the road to weight gain? Oh yeah..THAT!
So since I KNOW what a "healthy lifestyle" is...how and WHY on Earth would I STOP living one?
Well...let me tell ya...it's a long, sad tale! REALLY! Before 1998, I was an active, vivacious young woman who ate relatively well...who enjoyed "indulgences", but also ate a good amount of vegetables and fruits. Now maybe I KNEW more about healthy foods a "little" more than I, and my husband, ate...BUT....I was also pretty active and relatively healthy. I say "relatively" because ever since being diagnosed with Chronic Epstein Barr, in 1988, my health had never been 100% back to "normal" again. That is a big reason why I knew, maybe more than others my age, about healthy eating. I will write about that in a different post, but basically, the only reason I got better was because my family found a Holistic M.D. and he changed my diet and added nutritional supplements as well as a couple of medications. Ever since then, I've relied on food, herbal supplements and vitamins being able to make a big difference in my health.
So...1998...what changed? What was it that was the last straw? What was the nail in my perverbiel weight/health "coffin"? It was "moving"! YUP! Lifting! Lifting something that was TOO HEAVY...and injuring a "ligament" at the same level as a herniation I already had, because of a rollerblading accident 2 years earlier. This set up an instability in my spine that left me unable to continue being "active". After injuring that ligament (which as a massage therapist I can tell you is not a good injury to have anywhere...it doesn't have it's own blood supply and takes forever to heal) but after injuring that ligament, I could NOT get "back on my feet" so to speak. After I injured that ligament, it was serious pain. I could hardly walk, sit, lay, move, etc. And I'll state this again...it was serious pain! It took about 4 weeks of chiropractic, pain pills and a muscle relaxer(which I wouldn't normally go to a doctor for...but this was extreme), and rest in order to get me back to relative normal. After that, I started on my physical activity again...slowly, to work my way back into it. So I started with walking. But because of the instability that had been set up...I couldn't even walk correctly...and about two weeks into my walking regimen...I "tripped" and about an hour and a half after I finished my walking for one day...my back went "out" again. I called it "going out" because well, we ALL say, "My back went out" don't we? Weird. Anyway, I kept up this frustrating pattern of having my back go out, then recuperating and starting to exercise again, and then my back would "go out" again and then I'd start the whole routine over again. This went on for probably 6 months....before I FINALLY decided that maybe I should just STOP trying to 'exercise' for awhile...and just let my back heal. Well...my back didn't go 'out' as often...definitely...but "I" gained weight...not ONLY from lack of activity, but from "depression eating" because I could no LONGER do any of the fun activities that I WANTED to do, that I was USED to doing!!! So I truly "stress ate"...and I truly "stress gained"!
That all started, like I said, in 1998. In 2002...after 3 different attempts at physical therapy (which did NOT help...and only made my back more painful) I finally went to see a second physician...a neurosurgeon. I explained how for the last almost 5 years I had TRIED to exercise, tried physical therapy and nothing had worked. He was the FIRST doctor to realize that I didn't have a bad back BECAUSE of my weight...I had a "weight issue" because of my back. That made me feel very "comfortable" with him. I wasn't trying to NOT take responsibility for eating...but he understood that I really had just NOT been able to be "active" without hurting myself....and he also understand how "depressing" that can be. So the fix, for my particular problem was a lumbar fusion. It was a big step to take...but I wanted to be able to be active again...and not have to worry about 'hurting' my back in the process.
Unfortunately, things didn't turn out well for me. I had 3 surgeries in two weeks....had a spinal fluid leak AND a staff infection. I won't go into anymore detail about that...BUT....it left me with "failed back surgery syndrome". The fusion took...just fine...it healed and fused the way it was supposed to. However, as I was going through recovery....my pain level was NOT going down. I kept doing what I was SUPPOSED to be doing....walking...EVERY day....with my walker....but it just wasn't working. So then he sent me to physical therapy. It helped a "little"....but did NOT get rid of the pain. I was able to get off of my cane...for a minute...but that's about it. I had to go back ON my cane about a month after getting out of physical therapy. I tried to get off my meds....slowly...so I didn't have any "reaction". And I stayed off of them for a couple of months. I even went to a chiropractor for help...but I was STILL not getting better...and he really couldn't "treat" my low back....b/c of the fusion. He's the one that sent me to a Pain Management Physician for the first time. I didn't even know there was such a thing. Wow. I can't believe that I didn't know what one was....and now....I've had a Pain Management phyisician in my life for 8 yrs.
Well, ANYWAY, now...I AM better than I was. I've had a neurostimulator implanted. I have electrodes on either side of the spine and a battery (that's right...I'm "bionic") implanted in my hip. THAT was really a "turning point". It would still take me a couple of years to get back to "working" status....BUT....that implant gave me HOPE! It took away about 50% of my pain. I STILL had to have pain meds. but at least I did NOT have to use my cane....and I could walk for longer than 10-12 minutes at a time. It allowed me to be "free" of the cane and it gave me HOPE...which is very important. Once I had "hope"....I was able to move more forward. However....my Mama passed away...the same year I received the implant. I had "physical hope" for myself....but then I was plunged into a very deep depression from losing my Mama. THAT caused some "stress eating". So even though I WAS better....I had the implant....I STILL had pain. And it felt like I was in this vicious cycle of pain and depression at times....and I was truly struggling to just "be"....but I was kinda losing the battle. I also lost 3 beloved kitties the next year....and we moved back to Texas...but not to Houston, my hometown...to a different city...where we didn't know anybody. So no type of "social" or family support close by. So during this I had moved states twice, while dealing with chronic pain, dealt with chronic pain, lost my Mama and lost 3 of my beloved kitties. I was NOT in a good place. And my husband and I....well...while it was very difficult to go through what I went through with my back....it's ALSO difficult for a "spouse" of a person with chronic pain. They have basically "lost" the person they fell in love with. He lost the fun-loving, carefree, try anything person I used to be....and was NOW stuck with a sad, depressed and at times cranky person who couldn't do the SAME THINGS she used to do for fun. It was definitely a loss for him as well. So WE weren't always doing good...which just added to the "stress" factor.
Ok....so I have talked long and a LOT about myself. But the point is.....I got de-railed from my healthy lifestyle and my active lifestyle. I would try to lose weight and I usually had SOME form of healthy foods throughout my week...it's not like I JUST ate bad foods. BUT....I would get to a period of depression....and then go buy a cake. White cake, white buttercream frosting. I guess like a birthday cake. I'm not sure WHY....but that was something that just tasted SOOOOOO GOOD....and that "good taste" was almost the only "fun" I had...for quite sometime. So food, or FUN foods, became my "fun"...instead of going out dancing, or hiking or rollerblading....I turned to food. And THAT, even though WHILE I was eating it, and my taste buds were having a blast.... the 'guilt' I felt for eating it (b/c I knew better) AND the 'anger' I felt toward myself, for not 'controlling' myself....was very negative and did NOT help with my "stress" level. A vicious cycle, indeed.
So...there it is. What happened to ME! A lot of people have similar stories..."chronic pain", lost loved ones, stressful relationship problems, etc., etc. And it is a "reason" that I or you can get into unhealthy habits....BUT....it's not the 'final say'. I am DETERMINED to lose this weight....get a healthier lifestyle...including exercise (even if it's just boring old walking...although I THINK I can do more) AND return to my "healthy foods" background. I may still be on some medications that I'd rather not be on....BUT...one day at a time. If I can return to my healthier lifestyle...and become active again....maybe I will, in the future, be able to lower my medications or even get off completely. THAT would be wonderful!!!
So....are YOU reading to get healthy too? I'd love to hear from anybody "out there" in "Internet Land". Let me know what's going on with you. If you have succeeded....let us know what made YOU make a change. Look forward to hearing from you.
Verlene
...Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the rest to God...
Well...let me tell ya...it's a long, sad tale! REALLY! Before 1998, I was an active, vivacious young woman who ate relatively well...who enjoyed "indulgences", but also ate a good amount of vegetables and fruits. Now maybe I KNEW more about healthy foods a "little" more than I, and my husband, ate...BUT....I was also pretty active and relatively healthy. I say "relatively" because ever since being diagnosed with Chronic Epstein Barr, in 1988, my health had never been 100% back to "normal" again. That is a big reason why I knew, maybe more than others my age, about healthy eating. I will write about that in a different post, but basically, the only reason I got better was because my family found a Holistic M.D. and he changed my diet and added nutritional supplements as well as a couple of medications. Ever since then, I've relied on food, herbal supplements and vitamins being able to make a big difference in my health.
So...1998...what changed? What was it that was the last straw? What was the nail in my perverbiel weight/health "coffin"? It was "moving"! YUP! Lifting! Lifting something that was TOO HEAVY...and injuring a "ligament" at the same level as a herniation I already had, because of a rollerblading accident 2 years earlier. This set up an instability in my spine that left me unable to continue being "active". After injuring that ligament (which as a massage therapist I can tell you is not a good injury to have anywhere...it doesn't have it's own blood supply and takes forever to heal) but after injuring that ligament, I could NOT get "back on my feet" so to speak. After I injured that ligament, it was serious pain. I could hardly walk, sit, lay, move, etc. And I'll state this again...it was serious pain! It took about 4 weeks of chiropractic, pain pills and a muscle relaxer(which I wouldn't normally go to a doctor for...but this was extreme), and rest in order to get me back to relative normal. After that, I started on my physical activity again...slowly, to work my way back into it. So I started with walking. But because of the instability that had been set up...I couldn't even walk correctly...and about two weeks into my walking regimen...I "tripped" and about an hour and a half after I finished my walking for one day...my back went "out" again. I called it "going out" because well, we ALL say, "My back went out" don't we? Weird. Anyway, I kept up this frustrating pattern of having my back go out, then recuperating and starting to exercise again, and then my back would "go out" again and then I'd start the whole routine over again. This went on for probably 6 months....before I FINALLY decided that maybe I should just STOP trying to 'exercise' for awhile...and just let my back heal. Well...my back didn't go 'out' as often...definitely...but "I" gained weight...not ONLY from lack of activity, but from "depression eating" because I could no LONGER do any of the fun activities that I WANTED to do, that I was USED to doing!!! So I truly "stress ate"...and I truly "stress gained"!
That all started, like I said, in 1998. In 2002...after 3 different attempts at physical therapy (which did NOT help...and only made my back more painful) I finally went to see a second physician...a neurosurgeon. I explained how for the last almost 5 years I had TRIED to exercise, tried physical therapy and nothing had worked. He was the FIRST doctor to realize that I didn't have a bad back BECAUSE of my weight...I had a "weight issue" because of my back. That made me feel very "comfortable" with him. I wasn't trying to NOT take responsibility for eating...but he understood that I really had just NOT been able to be "active" without hurting myself....and he also understand how "depressing" that can be. So the fix, for my particular problem was a lumbar fusion. It was a big step to take...but I wanted to be able to be active again...and not have to worry about 'hurting' my back in the process.
Unfortunately, things didn't turn out well for me. I had 3 surgeries in two weeks....had a spinal fluid leak AND a staff infection. I won't go into anymore detail about that...BUT....it left me with "failed back surgery syndrome". The fusion took...just fine...it healed and fused the way it was supposed to. However, as I was going through recovery....my pain level was NOT going down. I kept doing what I was SUPPOSED to be doing....walking...EVERY day....with my walker....but it just wasn't working. So then he sent me to physical therapy. It helped a "little"....but did NOT get rid of the pain. I was able to get off of my cane...for a minute...but that's about it. I had to go back ON my cane about a month after getting out of physical therapy. I tried to get off my meds....slowly...so I didn't have any "reaction". And I stayed off of them for a couple of months. I even went to a chiropractor for help...but I was STILL not getting better...and he really couldn't "treat" my low back....b/c of the fusion. He's the one that sent me to a Pain Management Physician for the first time. I didn't even know there was such a thing. Wow. I can't believe that I didn't know what one was....and now....I've had a Pain Management phyisician in my life for 8 yrs.
Well, ANYWAY, now...I AM better than I was. I've had a neurostimulator implanted. I have electrodes on either side of the spine and a battery (that's right...I'm "bionic") implanted in my hip. THAT was really a "turning point". It would still take me a couple of years to get back to "working" status....BUT....that implant gave me HOPE! It took away about 50% of my pain. I STILL had to have pain meds. but at least I did NOT have to use my cane....and I could walk for longer than 10-12 minutes at a time. It allowed me to be "free" of the cane and it gave me HOPE...which is very important. Once I had "hope"....I was able to move more forward. However....my Mama passed away...the same year I received the implant. I had "physical hope" for myself....but then I was plunged into a very deep depression from losing my Mama. THAT caused some "stress eating". So even though I WAS better....I had the implant....I STILL had pain. And it felt like I was in this vicious cycle of pain and depression at times....and I was truly struggling to just "be"....but I was kinda losing the battle. I also lost 3 beloved kitties the next year....and we moved back to Texas...but not to Houston, my hometown...to a different city...where we didn't know anybody. So no type of "social" or family support close by. So during this I had moved states twice, while dealing with chronic pain, dealt with chronic pain, lost my Mama and lost 3 of my beloved kitties. I was NOT in a good place. And my husband and I....well...while it was very difficult to go through what I went through with my back....it's ALSO difficult for a "spouse" of a person with chronic pain. They have basically "lost" the person they fell in love with. He lost the fun-loving, carefree, try anything person I used to be....and was NOW stuck with a sad, depressed and at times cranky person who couldn't do the SAME THINGS she used to do for fun. It was definitely a loss for him as well. So WE weren't always doing good...which just added to the "stress" factor.
Ok....so I have talked long and a LOT about myself. But the point is.....I got de-railed from my healthy lifestyle and my active lifestyle. I would try to lose weight and I usually had SOME form of healthy foods throughout my week...it's not like I JUST ate bad foods. BUT....I would get to a period of depression....and then go buy a cake. White cake, white buttercream frosting. I guess like a birthday cake. I'm not sure WHY....but that was something that just tasted SOOOOOO GOOD....and that "good taste" was almost the only "fun" I had...for quite sometime. So food, or FUN foods, became my "fun"...instead of going out dancing, or hiking or rollerblading....I turned to food. And THAT, even though WHILE I was eating it, and my taste buds were having a blast.... the 'guilt' I felt for eating it (b/c I knew better) AND the 'anger' I felt toward myself, for not 'controlling' myself....was very negative and did NOT help with my "stress" level. A vicious cycle, indeed.
So...there it is. What happened to ME! A lot of people have similar stories..."chronic pain", lost loved ones, stressful relationship problems, etc., etc. And it is a "reason" that I or you can get into unhealthy habits....BUT....it's not the 'final say'. I am DETERMINED to lose this weight....get a healthier lifestyle...including exercise (even if it's just boring old walking...although I THINK I can do more) AND return to my "healthy foods" background. I may still be on some medications that I'd rather not be on....BUT...one day at a time. If I can return to my healthier lifestyle...and become active again....maybe I will, in the future, be able to lower my medications or even get off completely. THAT would be wonderful!!!
So....are YOU reading to get healthy too? I'd love to hear from anybody "out there" in "Internet Land". Let me know what's going on with you. If you have succeeded....let us know what made YOU make a change. Look forward to hearing from you.
Verlene
...Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the rest to God...
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