So since I KNOW what a "healthy lifestyle" is...how and WHY on Earth would I STOP living one?
Well...let me tell ya...it's a long, sad tale! REALLY! Before 1998, I was an active, vivacious young woman who ate relatively well...who enjoyed "indulgences", but also ate a good amount of vegetables and fruits. Now maybe I KNEW more about healthy foods a "little" more than I, and my husband, ate...BUT....I was also pretty active and relatively healthy. I say "relatively" because ever since being diagnosed with Chronic Epstein Barr, in 1988, my health had never been 100% back to "normal" again. That is a big reason why I knew, maybe more than others my age, about healthy eating. I will write about that in a different post, but basically, the only reason I got better was because my family found a Holistic M.D. and he changed my diet and added nutritional supplements as well as a couple of medications. Ever since then, I've relied on food, herbal supplements and vitamins being able to make a big difference in my health.
So...1998...what changed? What was it that was the last straw? What was the nail in my perverbiel weight/health "coffin"? It was "moving"! YUP! Lifting! Lifting something that was TOO HEAVY...and injuring a "ligament" at the same level as a herniation I already had, because of a rollerblading accident 2 years earlier. This set up an instability in my spine that left me unable to continue being "active". After injuring that ligament (which as a massage therapist I can tell you is not a good injury to have anywhere...it doesn't have it's own blood supply and takes forever to heal) but after injuring that ligament, I could NOT get "back on my feet" so to speak. After I injured that ligament, it was serious pain. I could hardly walk, sit, lay, move, etc. And I'll state this again...it was serious pain! It took about 4 weeks of chiropractic, pain pills and a muscle relaxer(which I wouldn't normally go to a doctor for...but this was extreme), and rest in order to get me back to relative normal. After that, I started on my physical activity again...slowly, to work my way back into it. So I started with walking. But because of the instability that had been set up...I couldn't even walk correctly...and about two weeks into my walking regimen...I "tripped" and about an hour and a half after I finished my walking for one day...my back went "out" again. I called it "going out" because well, we ALL say, "My back went out" don't we? Weird. Anyway, I kept up this frustrating pattern of having my back go out, then recuperating and starting to exercise again, and then my back would "go out" again and then I'd start the whole routine over again. This went on for probably 6 months....before I FINALLY decided that maybe I should just STOP trying to 'exercise' for awhile...and just let my back heal. Well...my back didn't go 'out' as often...definitely...but "I" gained weight...not ONLY from lack of activity, but from "depression eating" because I could no LONGER do any of the fun activities that I WANTED to do, that I was USED to doing!!! So I truly "stress ate"...and I truly "stress gained"!
That all started, like I said, in 1998. In 2002...after 3 different attempts at physical therapy (which did NOT help...and only made my back more painful) I finally went to see a second physician...a neurosurgeon. I explained how for the last almost 5 years I had TRIED to exercise, tried physical therapy and nothing had worked. He was the FIRST doctor to realize that I didn't have a bad back BECAUSE of my weight...I had a "weight issue" because of my back. That made me feel very "comfortable" with him. I wasn't trying to NOT take responsibility for eating...but he understood that I really had just NOT been able to be "active" without hurting myself....and he also understand how "depressing" that can be. So the fix, for my particular problem was a lumbar fusion. It was a big step to take...but I wanted to be able to be active again...and not have to worry about 'hurting' my back in the process.
Unfortunately, things didn't turn out well for me. I had 3 surgeries in two weeks....had a spinal fluid leak AND a staff infection. I won't go into anymore detail about that...BUT....it left me with "failed back surgery syndrome". The fusion took...just fine...it healed and fused the way it was supposed to. However, as I was going through recovery....my pain level was NOT going down. I kept doing what I was SUPPOSED to be doing....walking...EVERY day....with my walker....but it just wasn't working. So then he sent me to physical therapy. It helped a "little"....but did NOT get rid of the pain. I was able to get off of my cane...for a minute...but that's about it. I had to go back ON my cane about a month after getting out of physical therapy. I tried to get off my meds....slowly...so I didn't have any "reaction". And I stayed off of them for a couple of months. I even went to a chiropractor for help...but I was STILL not getting better...and he really couldn't "treat" my low back....b/c of the fusion. He's the one that sent me to a Pain Management Physician for the first time. I didn't even know there was such a thing. Wow. I can't believe that I didn't know what one was....and now....I've had a Pain Management phyisician in my life for 8 yrs.
Well, ANYWAY, now...I AM better than I was. I've had a neurostimulator implanted. I have electrodes on either side of the spine and a battery (that's right...I'm "bionic") implanted in my hip. THAT was really a "turning point". It would still take me a couple of years to get back to "working" status....BUT....that implant gave me HOPE! It took away about 50% of my pain. I STILL had to have pain meds. but at least I did NOT have to use my cane....and I could walk for longer than 10-12 minutes at a time. It allowed me to be "free" of the cane and it gave me HOPE...which is very important. Once I had "hope"....I was able to move more forward. However....my Mama passed away...the same year I received the implant. I had "physical hope" for myself....but then I was plunged into a very deep depression from losing my Mama. THAT caused some "stress eating". So even though I WAS better....I had the implant....I STILL had pain. And it felt like I was in this vicious cycle of pain and depression at times....and I was truly struggling to just "be"....but I was kinda losing the battle. I also lost 3 beloved kitties the next year....and we moved back to Texas...but not to Houston, my hometown...to a different city...where we didn't know anybody. So no type of "social" or family support close by. So during this I had moved states twice, while dealing with chronic pain, dealt with chronic pain, lost my Mama and lost 3 of my beloved kitties. I was NOT in a good place. And my husband and I....well...while it was very difficult to go through what I went through with my back....it's ALSO difficult for a "spouse" of a person with chronic pain. They have basically "lost" the person they fell in love with. He lost the fun-loving, carefree, try anything person I used to be....and was NOW stuck with a sad, depressed and at times cranky person who couldn't do the SAME THINGS she used to do for fun. It was definitely a loss for him as well. So WE weren't always doing good...which just added to the "stress" factor.
Ok....so I have talked long and a LOT about myself. But the point is.....I got de-railed from my healthy lifestyle and my active lifestyle. I would try to lose weight and I usually had SOME form of healthy foods throughout my week...it's not like I JUST ate bad foods. BUT....I would get to a period of depression....and then go buy a cake. White cake, white buttercream frosting. I guess like a birthday cake. I'm not sure WHY....but that was something that just tasted SOOOOOO GOOD....and that "good taste" was almost the only "fun" I had...for quite sometime. So food, or FUN foods, became my "fun"...instead of going out dancing, or hiking or rollerblading....I turned to food. And THAT, even though WHILE I was eating it, and my taste buds were having a blast.... the 'guilt' I felt for eating it (b/c I knew better) AND the 'anger' I felt toward myself, for not 'controlling' myself....was very negative and did NOT help with my "stress" level. A vicious cycle, indeed.
So...there it is. What happened to ME! A lot of people have similar stories..."chronic pain", lost loved ones, stressful relationship problems, etc., etc. And it is a "reason" that I or you can get into unhealthy habits....BUT....it's not the 'final say'. I am DETERMINED to lose this weight....get a healthier lifestyle...including exercise (even if it's just boring old walking...although I THINK I can do more) AND return to my "healthy foods" background. I may still be on some medications that I'd rather not be on....BUT...one day at a time. If I can return to my healthier lifestyle...and become active again....maybe I will, in the future, be able to lower my medications or even get off completely. THAT would be wonderful!!!
So....are YOU reading to get healthy too? I'd love to hear from anybody "out there" in "Internet Land". Let me know what's going on with you. If you have succeeded....let us know what made YOU make a change. Look forward to hearing from you.
Verlene
...Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the rest to God...
No comments:
Post a Comment